"Gambar kau dgn dia dkt Instagram dh tkda. Korang dh break ke?"

"He erased your name from his bio dkt Twitter, kau pun sama. Korang dh tkda pape ke?"

"Asal dh tk dgr cerita psl korang? Dh break?"

Ahh, that assumptions. That kind of questions. Nothing but a pain in the ass, to be extremely honest. Where should i start eh on this post? Yeap, it is cute that someone shares about how well their relationship; via Tumblr, Twitter, Instagram........ on everything. Even blogs, like me.

I'm not saying that it's totally fine to feel 'you should brag about your relationship 24/7' kind of thought, instead some people love to hide it from public but to myself, when i have someone i love i'm proud to have a guy who actually loves me for who i am & it's not wrong to share some pictures or videos about how cute he is (since he is mine so...) but depends on people, some of them didn't like to show off often. Maybe they posted a picture of them together with their partner but after a few days, they removed the picture.

Maybe they had a problem, or just plain 'for the sake of my own boredom' or 'maybe i should remove this & later i'll post more'. It's cool, lain lain org lain lain cara kan? But things started to be bad when some people assumed that they broke up.

I mean yeah, some of the couple maybe not succeed on holding things up but not every couples. I started to get questions like that since i deleted almost everything from my social networks & some people who cared (i dont think they cared, maybe some of them just being busybody or some shit) asked me if i'm fine or whatever after they assumed i broke up with someone i really love. Yes i am fine, maybe i had a problem or maybe I don't but seriously, some people who assumed i broke up with my boyfriend before asking really should just ask privately or whatsoever. But eventually things fell apart & we broke up. Moving on!

I do love posting something about my relationship because just like i said, i'm proud (but not being so proud like, bad kind of proud tu idk mcm mna nk explain) but i just don't want things like that to be a burden to my boyfriend (when i have one, lol). I have to respect his decision on being just totally humble (as long as no third party or anything involved) & it's normal for couples to argue & all until decided to not share things like that when some of them not really in a stable point.

To make things short, someone's relationship doesn't have to be under a spotlight and everybody's attention 24/7. When they tend to delete posts about their relationship, doesn't mean they are over. No one knows about their status more than they do. No one knows how far they went or what they have been through. You know nothing about them, about him and her, about me & stuffs. And things that they know, that i know, between the one that we love, are not 24/7 your matter.

Same goes to the people who said some couples aren't really looked like they are together just because they didn't look suitable together or they act like asshole to each other outside. You don't know how far their love went except themselves. They only share what happened between each other to closest friends and family or maybe they kept things to themselves. Stop making bad assumptions about couples. Stop making them feel bad. Stop spreading bad rumors. Just... stop and let them judge their own relationship.

p/s: updated this since i got through the huge break up but this is still thoughts from my mind & sort of a friendly reminder to those yang tersangat sangatlah busybody

“Promise me you’ll never forget all the times we spent together and promise me no one will ever take my place in your heart.”

moving further

My trustworthy phone died in a tragic way & I'm feeling so lifeless.
Have to admit though, I am lifeless. I am extremely lazy to do anything, that's why I didn't update this blog for a long time. Now, I have to wait for my new phone.
Speaking of having an useless journey of life, apa yang aku dah buat selama ni?
Tidur, terbangun, stalk orang, try tidur tapi tak boleh, bukak gambar, bukak lagu?
I had sleepless nights lately, I'll be up from bed on 2 a.m. every night, thinking about almost everything.
Pergi sekolah, belajar, balik, tidur.
Homeworks untouched & claiming that my life is useless.
What should I do?
I have to change but I don't have the mood to change.
All I think of is when I'm being happy, I'll end up being sad at the end of the day.
I tried to be cool, to be quiet & do my own things. But I didn't like it sometimes.
I'm already 16 for fuck sake, I have to grow up.
I don't want to be sad. I want to be happy. Everyone wants to be happy.
But... when I think everything back, I don't deserve to be happy.
If you think you're heartless, hahah how to be heartless like you?




Bapak random sial, apa aku merepek
Now, back on replaying memories.

I miss you.

I miss your smiles.

Because they make me feel calm whenever I saw them

and make me feel very glad if I know they're for me.

I miss the sound of your laughs,

it maybe sounds goofy to you but to me,

it's like a good tune that echoes at the back of my mind

whenever I want to remind myself

how happy you are, with or without me.

I miss the way you look at me

whenever I caught you doing it,

no matter how far or how near we are.

I miss the times when you just talk

& tell me everything.

Facts, stories, or even random sounds you make.

I don't care if it's funny or sad,

I don't even feel tired hearing all of it

even if you already told me about it

long time ago.

I miss the way you hold me,

long hugs, the cuddles or even just holding hands,

the tight grip that says

"I will never ever let you go.",

even if you did not realize how deep it means to me.

I miss being teased by you. Playful ones.

I maybe looked like I'm annoyed

but sometimes

you can't trust my reaction.

I miss your kisses.

Especially the soft ones.

Even a peck on one of my cheeks before I sleep,

or just an emoticon in our texts,

it will always make my day and night

everytime I imagine the feeling after being kissed.

I miss those little things you did.

Like the jokes you told & you said it wasn't funny,

like the way you talk about yourself

& how was your day,

like the way you sing,

or even the way you text me randomly.

There's more of them, if only I can list them all & I love every single one of them.

Even if it's so little

until you feel like I'm ridiculous.

Reminding myself about these things
will always make me feel fine after a rough day
& I will sleep peacefully
if I started to think about you & the little things I love about you
before I went to bed.

No one can ever make me feel this appreciative about someone like you do,

even if you didn't ask me to care, even if you ever think that I didn't even care.

But I do care, I do realize everything about you,

the way you walk, the way you talk.

Even sometimes not having you by my side saddens me

but nothing can make me feel more sad

than realizing that I won't feel all of these things again

when one of us left each other,

when the day comes.

But for now, when I still have the time, the chance

I just wanted you to know

that I miss you.

Only you.

-anonymous

dot dot dot

Have you ever, did something wrong for a couple of times; you know you did it, but someone has had enough with your bullshit & you can't do anything to make them come back? To make them okay with you like things used to? To make them not pissed off about you, to make them trust you back? Yeah, I'm one of this kind of stupid people, selfish & didn't think properly before doing something. That moment when words are fucking useless & I made people leave, by myself. By my own fucking self. I decided to blog this out because I am so pissed with myself. I didn't appreciate everything that I had, until God decide to take them back. For example; happiness. For the second time, I am selfish. I'm only thinking about myself, my own feelings, not other people's feelings. I'm only thinking about my own happiness, until people decide to leave me for their own happiness. & I can't do anything, except accepting the fact that I am a bad person. 

Today, I didn't do well in class. I was sleepy as fuck so I drank a tin of Nescafe, latte to be precise, & I fucked up. I can't stop shivering & well, I think I made my own suicidal move. I puked everything I ate for lunch. & why am I telling you about this? Oh um I'm talking to myself. So I stopped everything, I dropped myself in my deep thoughts, thinking about what is happening & before I went napping, I thought about the sins I did. Randomly.

Not trying to be proud for not being a saint but I, myself, am not a good Muslim. I skipped my prayers, did some shits, a liar, not appreciating everything I had & I was lost. No, don't blame my parents. They're very good in teaching their kids to be a good Muslim. People might think I'm innocent but everybody is not perfect, right? I asked my dad some questions about prayers, & I don't know, I went straight to the toilet, took my wudhu' & did my Zuhur prayer. & I feel so peaceful for a while.

For the first time, I cried in my prayer. That feeling when you just spill out everything, when you have no one to talk to. When people didn't know what's your problem that you're facing, alone. I didn't tell my friends, my parents, anyone. Yeah I do looked dreadful at school today but when they asked me what's wrong; I said "I'm fine, I took a caffeinated drink & I wanna puke. One wrong move, then your uniform will be my tissue."

But still, I am mad with myself. For making a lot of trouble to people. I feel like I wanna move away from here so that they're happy. Because they had enough with my selfish needs, & I think that's the only way to make them okay like nothing happened. To make them stop being mad at me. But now, I don't know what to do.

Out of blue

Hi, lovely people. School holidays are about to start but so far, I'm unhappy with my weekend. I don't want to tell you why, I don't want to spoil your weekend. I deactivated my Twitter & I don't how long I can last without Twitter. I'm on Instagram now, stalking people to fill up my time that I usually used for tweeting & some shit like that. So don't worry, I didn't blocked you on Twitter if you followed me there.

I guess that's the only thing I wanna tell you. I don't know what to do lol that's why I'm here. Oh & I cut my hair.

blame to the....

What am I thinking?

What is really happening on my mind?

Where do these doubts came from?

"Expect the unexpected things."

"Hopes, a big no no."

they said.

Random things went running through every cells & nerves in my brain. People might took it as overthinking (yes it is overthinking, can't deny) but for me, it's like taking precaution about what will happen in the future. It can be about anything. Yeah it is tiring & it can sometimes affect my mood. So many things happened in the past few years until present & umm, some of it gave me frights about life & the future.

I'm too sensitive about the things around me. Especially if it's about the people I know, about the things I'm in to. I tried so hard not to be so caring & break my own heart but I failed. Even songs & movies can affect my mood (like, deeply affects my mood), that's how sensitive I am & yeah I don't think people can understand. Some people might think I don't give a damn about my life/them but honestly, I might be crying about my exam marks, or even creeping on some strangers' tweets or Instagram photos & comments by now. I do give a damn about the people around me. Like some other people's problem; if I don't care at all, they'll leave. If I care too much, I'll be hurt. & I had enough of dealing people who left me hanging with unknown reasons & blames that I have to carry around. & I keep blaming myself even though it's obviously their fault.

Enough rants for today (which is pretty random & yeah it's fucking random & pointless). I'm started to feel something's stuck in my throat & my nose is started to block my respiration system. I think this is the reason why I feel emo for all the sudden; runny nose & sore throat.

So society, how's life so far? Pretty good? Had a down fall? Mine's pretty... plain. Unknown. Ordinary. Yeah you don't have to know. I lost my earphone from last week & it's pretty fucked up. I used my mom's iPhone earphones (it's not earpods, it's a regular one) & it's hurting my ears like.... I can't even hear my songs longer than usual. How am I gonna isolate myself from the world properly? Hah, another thing to be depressed about.

One of the things that makes me less upset is my workout routine. Please lah believe that I'm starting to workout by myself. Some of you may know that I'm underweight (38kg & I'm so fucking happy that I've gained weight) & I have to gain 5kg more to reach the normal weight. But when I started to realize my cheeks are becoming more chubbier & my tummy isn't flat anymore... I need to stretch & shits before it's too late.

Oh & Pierce The Veil's songs made me feel less upset too. Even though they made me cry sometimes.

Tomorrow's school.

New principal, means new rules (I guess).

New classmates.

New class name.

New shitty class schedule.

New responsible.

Help. Me.

Who would?

Wassaaaap everybody in here, how's it going?

Damn this is so awkward for me to continue, I haven't update this blog for ages. People started to disappear from this blogging world & I think I'm going to use this blog for some reasons like; bored, got things to talk about which people don't really care, rants, complaints, rants, rants, & rants. As you can see, I'm starting to use '&' than the actual spelling (I meant 'and' lol) & wow, I didn't expect people to visit here (except the spambots about crappy business & whatever shit I received at my chatbox hahaha) since it's like... a ghost town in here.

It's almost the end of February & umm there's a lot of things going on from the past few months. Form 4 is such a pain in the ass & I really should start being serious with my studies but whoops, first exam is next week & I didn't revise anything.... yet. I've been selected to 4 Lukisan Kejuruteraan & it's like a blessing for me but I don't know if I'm worth it. Addmaths is not being nice to me, but I can cope with Chemistry & Physics a bit. I really really really need help in Addmaths, but I don't know laaaaaaaaaa I really need to overcome this problem before it's too late... oh well I should start studying now.

Since I didn't update for a long time.... there's a lot of things happened & these things are unexpected ahh well hidup ni penuh dengan kejadian-kejadian yang tidak dijangka so tak boleh nak buat apa laa kan? Even though macam takda orang baca blog ni, I really should tell everything. If korang rajin stalk my Instagram, my Twitter, my Facebook (sana pun dah macam ghost town), well... you shouldn't continue this post ha ha ha.

My PMR result?

Bahasa Malaysia    - A

Bahasa Inggeris      - A

Science                  - A

Mathematics          - B

Pendidikan Islam    - B

Sejarah                  - B

Geografi                 - B

Kemahiran Hidup   - B

Um I've expected a C for my Maths but Alhamdulillah I got a B instead (that is one of the little things that I'm proud of myself because it was unexpected) & I should stop talking about my PMR result since it was a long gone story & I'm here, suffering with my current subjects okay we should carry on

I look good in braces! (this is a long gone story too but hmmmm this is for those people who didn't met me in real life yet if ada lah orang macam tu heh whut whut ok ok) I started wearing braces on January, if I'm not mistaken. I have to visit the dentist monthly (now I'm waiting for my second check up) & well, wearing braces suck. I'm not wearing it for being attractive, I'm not wearing it just because it's like a trend now. My teeth are a bit crooked & it's like a distraction for me. I can't chew properly after the monthly service (bunyi dah macam service kereta) & the brackets always fell off if I chew my food aggressively (I did that if I'm starving je okay bukan selalu melahap pun). I can't wait to take it off, honestly.

My love life? Err............................... just forget about the things I've told you about this one guy in my previous posts (dah delete dah) ((if tak sempat baca, takpa. Tak rugi pun)) because we didn't talk to each other anymore & yeah he's a nice guy, he's way out of my league & I only knew him for a month. He found someone better (after he hooked up with me & he found her before I found mine) & I'm glad to know him. Really hope he's happy with his life now, wherever he is now.

Oh, how about me? Ahah, I found mine. I never expected this to happen actually, because we never talked even though we're in same school since primary school until present. He's my senior, his name is Hasnul. He's out of my league too... & people know him as 'the player'. I only knew him as my senior, I do heard a lot of stories about him dated my schoolmates & all but at that time, I don't even care. Because I know he would not even look at me, would not even want to know me. It's a shocking moment laa I meant aku pun fikir apa laa yang dia ni pandang dekat aku. And I used to think that someone sent him to me just to play a little game called 'Crush That Loser's Heart' (memandai je aku merepek en) but.... he's not even joking.

The way he asked me to be his girlfriend isn't that fancy or romantic like other people did to propose their crush or wtv because he wanted to keep us as a secret at the first place (which I don't why he would do that, negative things started to haunt my mind) & I don't know why he keep asking me to be his girlfriend (for a lot of times because I tried rejecting him for a couple of times) ((because tiba tiba dia ajak borak & we're friends for some days....)) but well look at us now? People were like putting bets on us, assuming that we will not be long, & telling I'm stupid because he's a douchebag or whatever lah I don't want to remember the bad stuffs. He may not be romantic, he may not treat me like someone special sometimes (I always keep in mind that 24/7 berlovey dovey sangatlah merimaskan, like me & my ex dulu. Hidup ni kita kena chill ok) but that's what makes us stick together. Call me stupid, call me dumb. 

But I would like to thank my friends that always care about me & I do accept their opinions. Some opinions lah. Sometimes I do feel the negative vibes around me, sometimes they do put me down. But at the romantic side of whatever, why should I ask for more when I really don't know how to feel the lovey dovey things anymore? To make things short, I'll just go with the flow. I love him, he loves me. If he really wants to play games on me, he would dump me now. He would not care what I'm doing now. He could be with someone else right now. Only Allah knows about both of us's inside stories. And I'm not here to talk about bad things about us. Stupid arguments, jealousy, all of it are just normal in relationships. Both of us are learning. Besides, baru sebulan. If everything that he did semua salah for you, just give him some time. If aku sendiri memaafkan dia, why some of you people pulak yang kecoh? People should just stop hating & assuming he's a bad guy just because of his pasts.

These things always running through my mind & thinking, why not expressing it out? I know, they do sound annoying. Then, I should stop here. Thank you for reading, hope & pray the best for me. Till my next post! x

I love my country!!

Kepada Malaysiaku yang tercinta,

HAPPY 55th INDEPENDENCE/NATIONAL DAY!

The ancestors have fought for our country, lead to deaths and bloods, just for sake of their future sons & grandchildren.

I learnt almost all of Malaysia's history since I entered middle school (and will entering high school, which I will learn history about other countries and religion.) and I learnt a lot of things.

Betrayals, war & a lot of inhumanity occur 55 years ago. Communists & colonialists took a lot of sources from our country but at the same time, they taught us, Malaysians, to be wise and careful when doing any agreement with other people.

Thank you to the fighters who lost their lives, the fighters who are still fighting, Ministries then and now, for bringing up Malaysia back, for making Malaysia a peaceful country.

I'm one of the kids in the new generation, will make something for this country, even though it's a small thing.

I LOVE MALAYSIA ♥

Went missing.

HOMAIGAD I've been missing like I’ve missed my teddy bear since I was 10! People started to ask and ask about updating this blog and when, so most of my answers are “I have no idea.” or “Oh now you care about it?” or even “Mmmhm, soon.” and the truth is, things happened lately and all of my ideas of posting something here has messed up. Now I have the courage (courage? L-O-L), let’s do this.

First thing I want to tell since we’re still in July… I’m fifteen now! My birthday is on 13th July and today is, oh.. 14th August. Ohkaaay we’re far back from that day so let’s move on, shall we?... but yeah HUUGE thanks to those who wished me on Twitter, Facebook and sort of like that. Oh and my family, friends, new friends, silent haters, homos, and my pets, thank you too! And the presents (even though the amount of presents isn't like past few years and for your information, the amount of presents that I have received were decreasing since I was 13. Age factor, I guess....) are super cute and and I thought of showing you guys the presents but I didn't have time to take pictures of it :( thank you Nazurah, Raja, Adria, Filzah and the gurlzz for the presents, my hommies for made my birthday even special and even my dad's staffs Kak Ummu and Abang Hafiz for brought me to IKEA just to eat meatballs and having cakes!

Second thing I wanna bring up is, today is 25th day of fasting. Time flies so fast and yeah we're counting down 'till Eid! But still, I'm kind of sad because Ramadan will leave us in a few days and serious though, I didn’t have the excitement of celebrating Eid this year. Because why….? PMR. It’s killing me and my trials’ results sucks. I didn’t have an A at all, but Alhamdulillah my Maths paper went a bit higher than this year’s mid-term exam. A bit je weh, naik beberapa peratus je still dalam D gak pfft. Anyways, I have 55 days ‘till PMR. 55 days, bro. 1 bulan lebih. And I’m scared (even though people who has already went their PMR days said it’s nothing) because my Maths didn’t improved as I was expected and I’m hoping for B in Maths for PMR. So………. I need to push myself but fdkshfwdjkvbsdb I don’t know what to say.

There's a lot of thing happened after the last post I've updated and now I know how tough my life was. I’m not going to say what happened for a few months and all but I could say that I’m much stronger now. Allah is testing me with all kinds of sumption and I took all of them with helps from my friends and family. And I'm grateful. For everything that Allah gave me.

That's it for today. Gtg, iftar already! Happy Fasting (padahal nak habis lol) and Happy Eid! Until next time xx

Wait for it.....

Turned me one turned me on turned me on turned me on turned me on turned me on turned me on & I've replayed this for 3494914723 times oh god oh god no I can't type with the any fullstop because I'm too enthusiastic & I like one of them soooooo much oh my he will not realize about my existence forever cause I was too shy to talk to him ahak ahak but I do talk to his fake account & that's sad like literally made me frustrated to live hahahahaha I stalked him a lot lately & he's from Singapore I mean they are all from Singapore this video was made in Singapore aaaaaaa my friend is dating with one of his friend aaaaaaa help me please I'm dying hahaha this is so fucking annoying. Enjoy!

Don't do anything stupid okay?

Alone; An emotional feeling you get when you feel that there is no one there to support you or, sometimes, love you.

Lonely; A feeling that is indescribable to those who have not felt it, and needs no description to those who have. That desolate feeling of being left out, left behind, and being all alone forever. This not only applies to love (though they bring the strongest effect) but also major life changes - graduation, deaths, etc.. It is the hole that appears in your heart, which cannot be filled by your efforts alone. In such a case, crying occurs and is often encouraged as it heals the soul. Example: "I want to be with her forever, but I know the day is coming where we'll never see each other again."

Some people didn't know how pain it is. Some people think it was disgusting because of their friends being so emotional because of this. Some people think this is fucking ridiculous, and menyampah gila dengan orang yang tengah down macam ni. This is because; they didn't feel like this yet. Or they're just some cold-hearted zombies who always think about themselves. If you feel like all above, please - don't. Or just don't show your 'disgusted' face or the 'oh-I-don't-fucking-care-about-that-actually' face when your friends have this kind of stories because you're the one who asked them why they looked so gloomy that day.

For the loner-feeling kids, you guys deserve to be and to feel loved every time. I'm saying this because I'm having this kind of 'disease' for 24/7 and it's sucks. I mean, I feel I'm invisible and only some people can see me and knew me well. People like me is rare, beautifully rare. I admit. I can love a human in such short time, I can make a person feel loved even thought they didn't make me feel like that, I'm helplessly romantic. For short, I'm a fucking unicorn. People who have same feelings like me right now is a fucking unicorn. Yes I'm being serious *gives magical horns to invisible people like me*. And even though I'm sad because my boyfriend dumped me because of some stupid reasons (and he lied to me), but my friends told me that he is blind and hoping that he will feel wasted for leaving me just like *snapping fingers* that (and at first, I think it was wrong).

He's the one who wasting his time (even though he's the one who wasted my money) because he's the one who flirted me when he's with his ex. He's the one who wasted because letting go a unicorn like me. Guys like him are just.... wasting their everything to girls like me. Seriously. Hope he's happy... when he realized that he's wrong for comparing girls and switching, played girls' fragile hearts.

Okay, stop talking about unicorns. Back to the topic. Even he did all that and I know he's wrong, I still feel lonely and feel unloved. I miss being called cute names like 'sayang'. This is why I feel lonely. When I'm madly in love, people were being single and they're happy. But when I'm single, almost all girls that I know have their partners that always make them feel beautiful, happy, loved. Hoping that I found someone exactly like him (because he's my dream boy, he has all the characteristics that I want. Except the sad parts.) or better than him. Okay lol I sound like I'm desperate for a boyfriend.

My point is, don't 'go with the flow' about your loneliness. You're not alone. Because there's hundred millions of people in this planet is having the same crisis and you're one of them. They cry every night before going to bed like you are. Reading love texts or romantic pictures because they feel they didn't deserve love like that like you are (or not). Hear sad songs because they feel lonely all the time, like you are. Or anything that you feel. Ugh I hope I can find people like this and hug them because well, we're in the same spot. Read the title of this post; even if you are lonely, don't do anything stupid like swallow pills because you feel lonely because of your unattractive presence (how many times do I have to say 'because'?). You're attractive in somebody's eyes and I know about that.

This isn't fair.

"Walk a thousand miles just to see her, see her.

But she's far far away & I'd do anything just to see her face. 

But she's far far away.. walk a thousand miles just to see her smile again."

Bak kata Directioners; "Vas happenin?"

I've always wanted to use that hehe hi there, people in front of the monitor. As you can clearly see, I'm having an emotional breakdown. Until now. Now. I wish I can run away to Amazon forest where people can't find me and got suck and die by a huge mosquito. What if I had the chance? I can see who's gonna miss me. It's because there's no one missing me! Get it? Hahahaha fuck logic, I'm just a pathetic little girl.

The exams is just around the corner, and so does S.O.X. All-Stars Drum & Dance. Yay or nay? I don't actually is the date of the competition but I've heard it's on March. I DON'T KNOW! But whatever happens,  with all my efforts - I'll try to stay strong. It's 97's batch's year kaan? Remember about PMR? Yeah, scares hell out of me and I'm still here, typing junks.

A random fact about me; all the pain that I've gained from exercising and the cheerleading stuffs makes me forget all those things that brings me down. I guess... I like pain? The bruises, the sprained ankle. To short these words; I LOVE PAIN. But I meant the small pains so... yeah. Nuff sayin.

Actually, I'm out of ideas what to say. Maybe you have to buy me a cone of Baskin Robins' ice-cream? Loljk, I'll write sooner or later. Bye!

Did I make you feel.. something?

 

It takes time for me to get back on writing something here. Lost the loads of ideas to express since a lot of hard things going on in real life. But no matter how big it was, I'm still keeping it all in and try not to be over dramatic. And hey, still got the chance to drop by here aight? You know me :)

How's life, people? Don't ask me why I'm asking y'guys. Mine... ups and downs, as usual. But the down moments were little bit harder than I thought but yeah, trying to be cool but unfortunately, end up crying alone in a dark room. My parents, friends are the peoples who push me up harder than before, but I'm expecting the another one person who help them bringing me back. Someone who used to be supportive, someone who used to be understandable. I could not thinking what have happened to him right now that made him changed. I know he is now one of the people who's free from school, and soon to be legal to do such things as driving and living in college while I'm here, stuck in myself. I'm used to be emotional, like now, but I won't asking for more than love, from him after this. Expecting and asking for more is too desperate and heartbreaking.

Other than that, I'm kind of disappointed with him and it's hard to say this since I'm having my ego taking over my mind but I'm disappointed with myself, too. I don't know what to say since I'm too egoistic and mad to tell him by myself for some reasons. I don't want to talk bad stuffs about my own boy but I am too fucking mad about this until I can cry in front of this bloody monitor while typing with this damn keyboard. To avoid controversial things going on, I'll cover it by telling some tips about, yeah you should read. Especially for those who's in a long-distance relationship.

#1 If you're in a serious, long-distance relationship and haven't met for a couple of months, you should be considerate about your girl's/boy's feelings (most of the emotional parts is from the girls. Don't believe me? Check your girl's Twitter/Facebook/Tumblr.). Don't be TOO friendly to people. Nak kawan, okay je. Senang cerita, kalau kau lelaki, jangan add perempuaaan je dekat Facebook (especially kalau add semua perempuan cantik je. Pergh.). Kalau kau perempuan, Jangan nak IM je dengan lelaki.

#2 Send them a very good morning/good night text. If you're working and arrived home at 11 or something liddat, you should text them "Are you still awake?" (text laa sweet sweet, aiyoo). If they reply, don't be like "Ohh gtg, sleepy. Text me goodnight text. Bye." or didn't text at all because you're too fucking sleepy while she's/he's already waiting for you to get home. Lagi kesian if they are sleepy but you're acting like a sdfghjds jerk. Kalau dia macam sabar gila nak mati, please give them kudos. If you're too sleepy, just say that you're too tired and need to sleep or give them night phonecalls ke, chicks digs guys who have sleepy voice. Jangan selalu pulak cakap mengantuk mengantuk, kesian dia.

If they didn't reply, just give them a very sweet goodnight text. Tell them that you missed him/her, and express your feelings laah. Let them know you're there for them. You don't know what have they been through on that day. I repeat, don't be such a jerk.

#3 Don't hide anything. Don't fucking hide anything. Just tell them where you are now, who are you with, or whatever. Maybe for you, it's kind of weird to do such thing. Don't hide anything in Facebook, in Twitter. They'll be a mad stalker when they're missing you so badly. Okay here's a funny story of mine. I knew his Facebook password and I can open it whenever I feel so lonely and suspicious about something. C'mon, if you're a protective girlfriend, you'll know my feelings when you have a boyfriend yang macam open-minded or gatal ke whatever lah. So, for girls yang rajin sangat IM my boyfriend benda benda yang boleh buat I jealous, better watch out. Maybe some of them dah kenal but yeah, just watch out. Tapi kalau sedara ke family, tak kisah haha peace ^^v don't be scared, I won't kill you or something. Just being protective since he didn't pay attention to me right now and luahkan dekat other girls. I am sad. Faham tak?

#4 Make them feel more important and special than your ex. Okay, this one ah.. that's why I've highlighted it with other colour. I'll make this short and simple (which is clearly not short and simple). Don't talk to your ex more than your partner. For example; you replied your partner's texts in a very short message while you're chatting with your ex about everything. Your partner will be so fucking sad and offended because they've waited for you, they also wanted to know about you since they're 'your everything'. If your ex is your bestfriend........ I can't say no more but please, control it. If your partner already know you before your ex (that means y'guys have been friends before going into the next level), think about their feelings. I don't really care if you stick with the 'still friends with ex' statement and you still can be friends like your ex but most of the people say it's not good contacting your ex back because they're your mistakes, they're your past. You know what I mean, right? Yeah, I do contact my ex but I'm still regret about having him as my boyfriend back then. And if I can do such things, I want him to extinct because I want to concentrate with my current relationship but obviously from my own post, my boyfriend isn't concentrate with his current relationship. With me. No hate.

Wow, what a long post. Sighs, I'm expressing this because I don't want people to be sad like me because of this kind of situation. I don't want people to be more sadder than I am. From the girls/boys who got the same situation like I am, please be patient. I know you're disappointed but I know it'll lead to a better place, better situations. Be positive. I have a lot things in mind to say about this but I can't describe it to my fingers. Oh to some people, don't be offended to my post. I was just expressing like all people do.

Till the next post, then! I don't know when's the free time to blog. And I don't have any idea what to type. Hahaha ok ciao.

Already gone.

Stuck with a lot of activities, I'm depressed by myself. Rolling on the floor of procrastination and killed myself with tension. Emotionally dead. Naaah, you're probably not understand what I'm trying to say so let's begin with something.. I am dead meat. With high hopes that something bad will NOT happen but yeah, life's too unpredictable. Only Allah knows what's my next plan, what'll happen next and so on. Maybe I'll be dead, like really dead, tomorrow. Who knows? 

Whaaaat don't make the 'Omg did she just mention about death?' face please, my dearies. Pfftshhsh yeaah, like people care when's my funeral kaan? Ye, aku memang tengah emo gila. All I do now is trying to study with hoping that I can catch-up everything for PMR, tuition 3 times a week, cheerleading, piano lessons, and I have a problem with my timetable. I don't have enough sleep, I'm hurting myself, I didn't eat a lot these days. I don't why but I've lost my big appetite.

Oh the good news is, I'm in top 30 for Larian 7's! Tapi malangnya..... cikgu kira sampai 25 je. Boohoo, I am disappointed. But I gave a point to my Rumah Sukan and I am so proud of myself. I feel like, having an improvement on something is gooood. Last year I didn't join the run but I've joined it last two years and it's horrible. Better skip the story. Maybe I should thanks myself and the cheerleaders for making me active again and I'm in high spirit. Next year I'll try harder and get to go up on stage, insyaAllah.

Heyyy I didn't continue my story on Scripted Destiny. Ugh my ideas were fading away and I don't have inspirations!! So far I've tried to sketch anything, and I only share my true sketching skills in my Science notebook. Yeah, I like to draw organs and body parts ha-ha. And I was quite sad that I didn't have money to by DVDs at Speedy store in Plaza Masalam. They sell Harry Potter pins with DVD set, and a full box of the whole Harry Potter movies and it's only RM299+. Kind of cheap, y'know? Ahhhhhhh I want it!! Oh no, I neeed them!!!

Okay, better hit the sack. Tonight is football fever where Chelsea vs. Manchester United//Malaysia vs. Bahrain. I didn't support Chelsea/MU so.... Go HARIMAU MUDA! Okay guys, stay fly. x

Suck my guts.

What's going on in here? Hey I've added a new music player on the bottom of my blog and there's some songs that I've picked and put it as a playlist. So if you don't like the current music playing, just click the next button. If you don't have your fav song.... I'm sorry! You can see the songs' name//what's in the playlist at the 'Heroes who expressed my feelings through music' page. And if you don't hear it, simply pump up the volume from the playlist and if you still can't find your volume, turn up your volume of your computer's speakers. Hope you like it as much as I do! :> thank you, SCM Music Player and YouTube!

Damn I miss The Wheels. The music who blew my mind away while I'm skating with my friends, the sound of our laughter when we take our break. The tension that we released at the atmosphere, the sadness that goes away by the wind of our movement. The pain that we've been through is gone through the falls and bruises. The cash that we've spent is worth for it. Burned a lot of cash $$ and act like a boss. Even though it's just a disco skating place but people like me can appreciate it. And I even make some new friends (yeah, right..) and meet some people. So that proves I'm not an anti-social type of gal who hates the society. Yipee. I really want to go there with Rasyid but... nevermind.

Am I still a kid? Some people called me this and it offends me. I'm just surviving this world with an open mind and yes, I still don't understand about reality. I'm still living with a caring parents (plus my very annoying sister) and I feel loved. I don't have a job (if the government allow 15 years old kids work at the fast food outlet, well COUNT ME IN!), I don't have money. It proves that I'm under my parents' supervision. That doesn't mean I'm a spoil brat. Yeah, my dad always said if I want anything, just tell him. But I'm avoiding that to happen because I've always wanted to try to be independent. Even though he said like that, he always make me work hard for it. Like studying and prove to him that I'll never give up. But I don't want like that. That's desperation. Desperation for stuffs. Not sincerely to have knowledge if I'm acting like that. I don't know what I'm talking about right now but, if you know what I meant, well thank you very much. But please don't call me a kid. Not by my physical appearance. In a mentally way, calling me like that is just bullshit.

By this post, I'm desperately need money to buy stuffs by my own. Just to make me satisfy. Hey, everybody does having this kind of dilemma, right? Okay I should stop this crap out. Got to go!

Au revoir! x

Say you don't want it.

What's up, teenagers of the world? I can't believe it's already 2012. And I'm definitely don't want to think about school. Yes, I'm going to be 15 and I'll be a junior, again. I guess I have to think about it. But I can't wait to meet my friends! And my future classmates will be so awesome. All I know was Nazurah, my bestfriend, will be my classmate ^^ Huda and Afif will also be in my class. Weeee I'll be a happy kid when facing PMR. I hope the teachers aren't mean, but I'll face them since they'll be serious when it comes to teach students who will face PMR.. shit. I want to be organized, for sure! I don't want to be depressed :'(

Lately, I've watched MTV World Stage 2011 on television (a lot, since I've recorded it.) and I don't know why but I'm so emotionally thinking back about that day where I've hung out with my boy and my uncle plus with his dope ass friend. It was fantastically perfect, indeed. I don't have the pictures since the ticket says that cameras are not allowed but my uncle sneak his digital camera in his pocket but the pictures was so... funny. Not appropriate to view here, lol. Obviously from your thoughts about this topic, you can say that I am missing this moments.

Oh hey! Since the school's will opening soon, I think I'll be not updating this blog like usual. Maybe 3 times a week or maybe once a week? The most extreme that will happen is once a month... I'll be post something on this baby. Hope you guys understand me. But I'll be 24/7 on Twitter since I'm using TweetCaster for Android. Or not. Facebook? Kalau dah sekarang pun jarang, apatah lagi nanti. Hehe peace out!

Washed out from the shore

Once again, a friendly reminder; it's the last day of 2011. The year that was full of sweet memories, fucked up mistakes, cat fights and friendly helps, trips that will be unforgettable and met new peoples. But I miss 2009 and 2010 more. The years that I have choked with laughter, like 2011 but more 'less worries'. Maybe this year I'll be not fully happy, but eventually someday, someday, I'll be. My dream of keeping my hair longer after it has been cut in 2010 came true! It's not long like flawless girls do but I still can tie it. I love my ponytail hihihi okay shattap. I really do praying for 2012 will be the year that will filled with memories more than this year. No more pain. Okay, less pain. And I'll be facing PMR. Second nightmare. InsyaAllah I can face it. I would love to make a time table since I'm in morning session now. After school, I'll have tuition or besides that, going elsewhere to study with my girls and hanging out. I hope my parents give permission to do so... Alhamdulillah my dad said that there's no need to tension because he gave me permission to score 6A's out of 8. But I'll will work hard and try to not give up to score it. And honestly, I hope I'm alive until 2014 because I've always wanted to go to a prom and gowns with stuffs like that..... hihi ok I'm dreaming. InsyaAllah!

So, what's your 2012 resolutions? Play a music instrument? Try to bake or cook? Still studying? Studying hard like I will? I'm going to be so fucking busy next year and hope if you don't mind if I don't update this blog 'regularly'. I have studies and school activities to maintain, extra-curricular, piano classes, and more. My mom said if I can't cope any of these, she suggested me to drop out from cheerleading. I'll try to be less tension, and InsyaAllah everything's going to be fine. I hope so.

So, my last words for this post;

Happy New Year and best of luck to survive 2012

Hope you guys have a great New Year's Eve party tonight with your love ones.

I wish I can watch fireworks and go to a party.

Need some sleeping pills

Hey it's the last day of 2011! It's 12:24 a.m. according to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia time. I wish I can watch fireworks with someone. Some friends. Eat good food before that, buy some snacks and drinks, pick a good spot for cuddling and.. hmm scratch that! Pick a good spot to hang out with friends and enjoy ourselves. But all of it when straight into my dream. I wish it can be real. Sighs, sighs, sighs. But hey, I wish I can sleep longer than before. I want to do that before going to school this Wednesday. Oh god, new environment. Hope there's no huge dramas. InsyaAllah.

I didn't buy school shoes yet. My old ones were rotten (yes, like cheese...) and rusting. Can you believe that? Btw.... it's midnight now and I think I should stop blogging now. No, not forever and ever! Just for today. Adios!

Yin to my Yang

It's been a while, we haven't talk like we used to do every single time. It's been a while since everything's changed after you have some works to do. I don't know why am I anticipating that we're not going to be forever but I'm waiting for something. Something important, something that usually did before. I'm not going to give up, I'll be waiting for you. Moreover, I feel like you're my last shot; to make me overwhelmingly happy, to make me screamingly sad, through thick and thin together. I'm completely devastated, when you're ignoring me. Well, I feel like I'm desperate. But it's a normal feeling for me.

I'll be waiting. For the old you. But I love the new you. Ah mixed feelings, mixed feelings. We've fought for hours, but I'm just being quiet. I'm just afraid that you would leave me.

Can't wait to see you next time if you're free. I haven't met you for months now. I'm terribly missing you, like I've lost my half part of my world. Need your supports too, for my activities that I've participated lately.

I hope you're reading this, baby. I love you.

That is all.