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Have you ever, did something wrong for a couple of times; you know you did it, but someone has had enough with your bullshit & you can't do anything to make them come back? To make them okay with you like things used to? To make them not pissed off about you, to make them trust you back? Yeah, I'm one of this kind of stupid people, selfish & didn't think properly before doing something. That moment when words are fucking useless & I made people leave, by myself. By my own fucking self. I decided to blog this out because I am so pissed with myself. I didn't appreciate everything that I had, until God decide to take them back. For example; happiness. For the second time, I am selfish. I'm only thinking about myself, my own feelings, not other people's feelings. I'm only thinking about my own happiness, until people decide to leave me for their own happiness. & I can't do anything, except accepting the fact that I am a bad person. 

Today, I didn't do well in class. I was sleepy as fuck so I drank a tin of Nescafe, latte to be precise, & I fucked up. I can't stop shivering & well, I think I made my own suicidal move. I puked everything I ate for lunch. & why am I telling you about this? Oh um I'm talking to myself. So I stopped everything, I dropped myself in my deep thoughts, thinking about what is happening & before I went napping, I thought about the sins I did. Randomly.

Not trying to be proud for not being a saint but I, myself, am not a good Muslim. I skipped my prayers, did some shits, a liar, not appreciating everything I had & I was lost. No, don't blame my parents. They're very good in teaching their kids to be a good Muslim. People might think I'm innocent but everybody is not perfect, right? I asked my dad some questions about prayers, & I don't know, I went straight to the toilet, took my wudhu' & did my Zuhur prayer. & I feel so peaceful for a while.

For the first time, I cried in my prayer. That feeling when you just spill out everything, when you have no one to talk to. When people didn't know what's your problem that you're facing, alone. I didn't tell my friends, my parents, anyone. Yeah I do looked dreadful at school today but when they asked me what's wrong; I said "I'm fine, I took a caffeinated drink & I wanna puke. One wrong move, then your uniform will be my tissue."

But still, I am mad with myself. For making a lot of trouble to people. I feel like I wanna move away from here so that they're happy. Because they had enough with my selfish needs, & I think that's the only way to make them okay like nothing happened. To make them stop being mad at me. But now, I don't know what to do.

blame to the....

What am I thinking?

What is really happening on my mind?

Where do these doubts came from?

"Expect the unexpected things."

"Hopes, a big no no."

they said.

Random things went running through every cells & nerves in my brain. People might took it as overthinking (yes it is overthinking, can't deny) but for me, it's like taking precaution about what will happen in the future. It can be about anything. Yeah it is tiring & it can sometimes affect my mood. So many things happened in the past few years until present & umm, some of it gave me frights about life & the future.

I'm too sensitive about the things around me. Especially if it's about the people I know, about the things I'm in to. I tried so hard not to be so caring & break my own heart but I failed. Even songs & movies can affect my mood (like, deeply affects my mood), that's how sensitive I am & yeah I don't think people can understand. Some people might think I don't give a damn about my life/them but honestly, I might be crying about my exam marks, or even creeping on some strangers' tweets or Instagram photos & comments by now. I do give a damn about the people around me. Like some other people's problem; if I don't care at all, they'll leave. If I care too much, I'll be hurt. & I had enough of dealing people who left me hanging with unknown reasons & blames that I have to carry around. & I keep blaming myself even though it's obviously their fault.

Enough rants for today (which is pretty random & yeah it's fucking random & pointless). I'm started to feel something's stuck in my throat & my nose is started to block my respiration system. I think this is the reason why I feel emo for all the sudden; runny nose & sore throat.

So society, how's life so far? Pretty good? Had a down fall? Mine's pretty... plain. Unknown. Ordinary. Yeah you don't have to know. I lost my earphone from last week & it's pretty fucked up. I used my mom's iPhone earphones (it's not earpods, it's a regular one) & it's hurting my ears like.... I can't even hear my songs longer than usual. How am I gonna isolate myself from the world properly? Hah, another thing to be depressed about.

One of the things that makes me less upset is my workout routine. Please lah believe that I'm starting to workout by myself. Some of you may know that I'm underweight (38kg & I'm so fucking happy that I've gained weight) & I have to gain 5kg more to reach the normal weight. But when I started to realize my cheeks are becoming more chubbier & my tummy isn't flat anymore... I need to stretch & shits before it's too late.

Oh & Pierce The Veil's songs made me feel less upset too. Even though they made me cry sometimes.

Tomorrow's school.

New principal, means new rules (I guess).

New classmates.

New class name.

New shitty class schedule.

New responsible.

Help. Me.

Went missing.

HOMAIGAD I've been missing like I’ve missed my teddy bear since I was 10! People started to ask and ask about updating this blog and when, so most of my answers are “I have no idea.” or “Oh now you care about it?” or even “Mmmhm, soon.” and the truth is, things happened lately and all of my ideas of posting something here has messed up. Now I have the courage (courage? L-O-L), let’s do this.

First thing I want to tell since we’re still in July… I’m fifteen now! My birthday is on 13th July and today is, oh.. 14th August. Ohkaaay we’re far back from that day so let’s move on, shall we?... but yeah HUUGE thanks to those who wished me on Twitter, Facebook and sort of like that. Oh and my family, friends, new friends, silent haters, homos, and my pets, thank you too! And the presents (even though the amount of presents isn't like past few years and for your information, the amount of presents that I have received were decreasing since I was 13. Age factor, I guess....) are super cute and and I thought of showing you guys the presents but I didn't have time to take pictures of it :( thank you Nazurah, Raja, Adria, Filzah and the gurlzz for the presents, my hommies for made my birthday even special and even my dad's staffs Kak Ummu and Abang Hafiz for brought me to IKEA just to eat meatballs and having cakes!

Second thing I wanna bring up is, today is 25th day of fasting. Time flies so fast and yeah we're counting down 'till Eid! But still, I'm kind of sad because Ramadan will leave us in a few days and serious though, I didn’t have the excitement of celebrating Eid this year. Because why….? PMR. It’s killing me and my trials’ results sucks. I didn’t have an A at all, but Alhamdulillah my Maths paper went a bit higher than this year’s mid-term exam. A bit je weh, naik beberapa peratus je still dalam D gak pfft. Anyways, I have 55 days ‘till PMR. 55 days, bro. 1 bulan lebih. And I’m scared (even though people who has already went their PMR days said it’s nothing) because my Maths didn’t improved as I was expected and I’m hoping for B in Maths for PMR. So………. I need to push myself but fdkshfwdjkvbsdb I don’t know what to say.

There's a lot of thing happened after the last post I've updated and now I know how tough my life was. I’m not going to say what happened for a few months and all but I could say that I’m much stronger now. Allah is testing me with all kinds of sumption and I took all of them with helps from my friends and family. And I'm grateful. For everything that Allah gave me.

That's it for today. Gtg, iftar already! Happy Fasting (padahal nak habis lol) and Happy Eid! Until next time xx

What a lovely day to be 'happy'.

This is yesterday's post. Sort of out of schedule hehehe

It's Saturday and I've did a lot of things today. Yeah, things that productive. Yeah.

Sekolah ganti kena datang. Kehadiran dikira. Wajib. Blahblah I only came to school today because sleeping at home is kind of boring on a beautiful windy Saturday. So I went to school and there's only like, less then 70 students came and there's a lot of teachers that didn't come to school either (termasuklah guru kelas aku yang sepatutnya ambil kehadiran tetapi dia ingat murid-murid dia malas nak datang sekolah... haktuihh) so I felt a lil bit of regret at first but it's okay, I've got the chance to watch Dato Dr. Sheikh Muszaphar's dvd for free hihi. After that the teachers let us wandering around the school so me and Nazurah decided to join our friends hanging out at the open hall. Some of them were used to be my classmates. We took photos and definitely, I miss them.

Then after school, I rushed to Yamaha section 9 because me and my sister have to perform a song that we've learnt. To cut things short, my turn is early and I've messed up a little bit. But it's my first time performing for Yamaha, but it's still embarrassing because my sister nailed everything well. We heard others played the guitars, violins, drums. I can't believe some of the guitarists were in my Facebook friends list lol they looked different.... and all of them is cool. And we've got ourselves a certificate. And a free gift. Then I met AJ. He's my one of my best buds from primary and I think I was too excited when I see him.

They're cool and I can't believe one of them were in my following on Twitter lol

He's thin now. Dulu comel bulat je masa sekolah rendah hihi :>

After all of this, I went home and tried to sleep but my annoying sister forced me to watch Running Man with her. Then, viruses came to invade my body. Earlier this morning, I had a bad sore throat and now I have flu. Ugh I have cheer practice tomorrow and I have to do the twist cradle. Fuck.

Don't you realize that I have a lot of guy friends? Don't get me wrong.... I'm always awkward when I'm around beautiful girls and Shah Alam's full of beautiful girls. Sighs.

Sorry for the low quality pictures. Used my phone to take pictures since my camera's charger was lost. Maybe it was used to play skipping by some unicorns of mine. Stupid unicorns, I gave them too much Skittles.

"Monsters inside us."

It's already March! Okay, it's kind of late to talk about it. It's already 8th March..... actually I don't know what to talk about in this post. Oh this Saturday until Thursday, I'll be going to Bali! It's my father's company trip for this year and for last year too, I think? I'm looking forward to this trip, it's going to be awesome! Rather than doing nothing and 'reset' my sleeping pattern at home... I'll enjoy sunny sunset at the beach with barbecued fish on my plate :>

But before this dream come true, I'm in my reality, finishing my exams. I've kicked Bahasa Melayu's ass, went kung-fu and beat Sejarah and English, went through Pendidikan Islam, killed Mathematics (but he's alive..) with my bare hands and beaten Science.. in Tekken! But I think I'll be not satisfy with the results since I'm doing revision in last minute. Look at me now, I should go open up Geografi and Kemahiran Hidup books for tomorrow but no, I'm blogging. I'm watching Sucker Punch trailers in YouTube. I'm breathing oxygen, not oxygen plus education! And I think I'm in love with One Direction. Okay, I will not fangirling about them.. because I love their music and I don't know anything about them! Don't get me wrong.

I'm in love with Sucker Punch even though I didn't got the chance to watch it.

I've got comments from my friends, and they said it's boring. I don't take their words like that without watching it first but I loooove this movie when I watched it's trailer.

I really need to find the Blu-Ray dvd of this movie. Like, pronto.

This isn't fair.

"Walk a thousand miles just to see her, see her.

But she's far far away & I'd do anything just to see her face. 

But she's far far away.. walk a thousand miles just to see her smile again."

Bak kata Directioners; "Vas happenin?"

I've always wanted to use that hehe hi there, people in front of the monitor. As you can clearly see, I'm having an emotional breakdown. Until now. Now. I wish I can run away to Amazon forest where people can't find me and got suck and die by a huge mosquito. What if I had the chance? I can see who's gonna miss me. It's because there's no one missing me! Get it? Hahahaha fuck logic, I'm just a pathetic little girl.

The exams is just around the corner, and so does S.O.X. All-Stars Drum & Dance. Yay or nay? I don't actually is the date of the competition but I've heard it's on March. I DON'T KNOW! But whatever happens,  with all my efforts - I'll try to stay strong. It's 97's batch's year kaan? Remember about PMR? Yeah, scares hell out of me and I'm still here, typing junks.

A random fact about me; all the pain that I've gained from exercising and the cheerleading stuffs makes me forget all those things that brings me down. I guess... I like pain? The bruises, the sprained ankle. To short these words; I LOVE PAIN. But I meant the small pains so... yeah. Nuff sayin.

Actually, I'm out of ideas what to say. Maybe you have to buy me a cone of Baskin Robins' ice-cream? Loljk, I'll write sooner or later. Bye!

Smells like oranges.

Assalamualaikum and hello there! Ahh it's been a while since I didn't tell rants and complains about my life. Busy with school, of course! I don't have the time to open the computer and log in and stuffs. My first day of school is okay, and I'm now a morning session student. Well, it's cool. The teachers aren't mean like what I have expected. My classmates were also incredibly awesome. Even though they're quiet and I'm the only one who laughed like a donkey with my fellow besties. But I can't hold on with the homeworks. Makes my brain dysfunctional.

What's up with your life so far? Pretty neat? Going down a little harder? Mine's in between. "Okay, here we go again." By the way, my homeworks are really fucked up so I'd better get going. I don't have the idea to talk about! *cries cries cries* See yaa laterzzz. *cries and make disappointing faces*

Say you don't want it.

What's up, teenagers of the world? I can't believe it's already 2012. And I'm definitely don't want to think about school. Yes, I'm going to be 15 and I'll be a junior, again. I guess I have to think about it. But I can't wait to meet my friends! And my future classmates will be so awesome. All I know was Nazurah, my bestfriend, will be my classmate ^^ Huda and Afif will also be in my class. Weeee I'll be a happy kid when facing PMR. I hope the teachers aren't mean, but I'll face them since they'll be serious when it comes to teach students who will face PMR.. shit. I want to be organized, for sure! I don't want to be depressed :'(

Lately, I've watched MTV World Stage 2011 on television (a lot, since I've recorded it.) and I don't know why but I'm so emotionally thinking back about that day where I've hung out with my boy and my uncle plus with his dope ass friend. It was fantastically perfect, indeed. I don't have the pictures since the ticket says that cameras are not allowed but my uncle sneak his digital camera in his pocket but the pictures was so... funny. Not appropriate to view here, lol. Obviously from your thoughts about this topic, you can say that I am missing this moments.

Oh hey! Since the school's will opening soon, I think I'll be not updating this blog like usual. Maybe 3 times a week or maybe once a week? The most extreme that will happen is once a month... I'll be post something on this baby. Hope you guys understand me. But I'll be 24/7 on Twitter since I'm using TweetCaster for Android. Or not. Facebook? Kalau dah sekarang pun jarang, apatah lagi nanti. Hehe peace out!

Washed out from the shore

Once again, a friendly reminder; it's the last day of 2011. The year that was full of sweet memories, fucked up mistakes, cat fights and friendly helps, trips that will be unforgettable and met new peoples. But I miss 2009 and 2010 more. The years that I have choked with laughter, like 2011 but more 'less worries'. Maybe this year I'll be not fully happy, but eventually someday, someday, I'll be. My dream of keeping my hair longer after it has been cut in 2010 came true! It's not long like flawless girls do but I still can tie it. I love my ponytail hihihi okay shattap. I really do praying for 2012 will be the year that will filled with memories more than this year. No more pain. Okay, less pain. And I'll be facing PMR. Second nightmare. InsyaAllah I can face it. I would love to make a time table since I'm in morning session now. After school, I'll have tuition or besides that, going elsewhere to study with my girls and hanging out. I hope my parents give permission to do so... Alhamdulillah my dad said that there's no need to tension because he gave me permission to score 6A's out of 8. But I'll will work hard and try to not give up to score it. And honestly, I hope I'm alive until 2014 because I've always wanted to go to a prom and gowns with stuffs like that..... hihi ok I'm dreaming. InsyaAllah!

So, what's your 2012 resolutions? Play a music instrument? Try to bake or cook? Still studying? Studying hard like I will? I'm going to be so fucking busy next year and hope if you don't mind if I don't update this blog 'regularly'. I have studies and school activities to maintain, extra-curricular, piano classes, and more. My mom said if I can't cope any of these, she suggested me to drop out from cheerleading. I'll try to be less tension, and InsyaAllah everything's going to be fine. I hope so.

So, my last words for this post;

Happy New Year and best of luck to survive 2012

Hope you guys have a great New Year's Eve party tonight with your love ones.

I wish I can watch fireworks and go to a party.

Bulletproof Love

Ahh, what a day. Cheerleading practice is quite hard today and yes I admit, I'm feeling the 'animal spirits' now since the other flyers were younger than me and they nailed the hard part! I can't describe how it saddens me when I didn't want to shivers too hard but it came more worse than I thought. I admit (again), I think I love to be the one who got thrown up and down but the main problem is; I'm too scared of heights. How can I overcome this phobia?! By bungee jumping? Climb up to the Eiffel Tower?

I'm tired to continue this post. It's supposed to be last night's post but my sister accidently shut down the computer. Bye!

Stiffed.

2012 is around the corner and I'm sorry for lack of updates lately. I'm completely stuck in a lot of situations and vacations. Frankly I've been avoiding social networks because I didn't have a lot of time, insignificant problems, small matters, and whatnot. Yes, if you insists to know; I have problems with my love life. Yup, but it's not that important. We'll be alright if there's anything happened. I can't believe that I have said this. Hmm.

2011 sucks. Sucks rotten eggs and drink a glass of lumpy milk for brunch. But yet there's a lot of hell fun on their way to change 11 to 12. I would thank 2011 for making me happy for only 48% over 100. Omg what am I crapping about. I'm excited for the new year come. Honestly. But I definitely not excited about being a PMR candidate. No, no, no. And now, a new thing will be on my schedule. Cheerleading. Haaa so here's the story. Adria asked me to be in my school's squad. I'm a bit nervous and yes, I must be nervous. Met new people, and the first day of training, I've picked as a flyer. Y'know, the one who's being picked up and make stunts and all that? Yeah, I know I'm small but I have frights. Fear of all tall places. Wow. And I'm hard to collaborate with the dance steps and I'm not flexible. They said that it's okay but for me, it's not. I'm scared, what if they don't like me because I'm hard and I'm not east to flex? How?.. and I'm embarrassed because some of the juniors were quicker than I am O.o there's an awkward moment though.

That's not all, I'm nothing. I didn't know how to make any styles like cartwheel, or star jumps until you can touch your toe, or high jumps. I'm working hard for reaching it. I'm working hard for being flexible. I will not give-up. For my school. I accept the offer because first, I face the fact that I love watching cheerleading. So fun, so confident. Second, they have problems with numbers of the team. So maybe..... they need someone or me. Maybe.

Forget about it. It's my problem! I'm not being active lately, I'm a lazy-ass, not like others. They're active, they dance and everything. Ahhh insecurities.. but I love them. Seriously :') and now I have cramps. It's been a while! Yeah, I'm that lazy. I didn't jog, so maybe after this I'll be active for cheerleading. My mom also courage me to enter the squad before. Because she wants me to be more feminine, more active, more confident. And she will support me and the squad. She also said that I need more nutrition and she will join my healthy lifestyle. Okay I'll stop.

The truth is, I'm excited. I'm excited to be active again. That's all. I don't think about other things.

Oh by the way, tomorrow I'll be going to Subang Parade with my gegurlz to watch Shaheizy Sam's new movie. I didn't know much the title is but it's going to be awesome. I wish Rasyid can come so I can treat him some popcorn and the movie ticket for pay back the drama that I have cause to him. And for saying that I'm sorry for everything. And for saying that I love him. *deep sighs*

Take it or leave it.

Why oh why do they have to be so cute? Hnngg

Due to the busy thangs, I didn't get the chance to update this blog and I'm apologizing about that folks.

The school holiday at Hong Kong was superb. I really want to tell you about the whole journey but I'm out of ideas and if I tell you, you might end up sleeping in front of ze computer, leaving your Tumblr alone. Yeah, I'm talking to you.

Yesterday, Hanis and Kamilia didn't come to school so that's just major bored. Science, Kemahiran Hidup and Bahasa Malaysia results came out and I didn't score well but it's cool and I'm just proud of myself because I've made an improvement in Bahasa Malaysia. Science, no comment. Kemahiran Hidup? Well, it's okay. I'm frustrated about the marks even though they're okay. If there's no extra marks, I'll get under 60% or something.

Today, I've got Maths, it's sucks. Real. Hard. Well y'know, I didn't have the Maths swag so I'm having a hard time to cope on Maths and I really need to focus next time. Teehee. Oooh and English. I got the highest mark in class for English! *shrieks* I don't mean to brag but, when y'guys have achieved something that highest among the rest, you must be proud right? Well, I am. It's still need some improvement but Alhamdulillah, good for this year.

So let's see;

                      Science                : 72% B

                      Kemahiran Hidup : Don't remember, zzzz

                      Bahasa Melayu    :  74% B

                      Maths                  : 47% D -.-

                      English                 : 82% A

Well that's for now, hihi.

By the way, I have a new pet now! A kitten. Actually he's still a baby (yes it's a male) and this stupid family dumped him at Guardian (A pharmacy and convenient store and it's near from my tuition center) and they separate him from his mother. Poor baby, he still needs milk from his mother. I can't understand why they do that. What if their children get separated from them? He's cute though, I really can't understand.

As I have said before (I have deleted a lot of the long posts that really bugs me out, sorry for the inconvenience guys), I really have a lot of pet, before this. But now I have a kitten and a pair of rabbits. I'll be responsible after this!