(my sister is such a bad photographer)
Hello, hi, Assalamualaikum everyone who are still exist in this part of the internet. Yes, I am still alive.
Yeah yeah, people would probably think "Does this Puteri girl ever gonna start blogging again?". The answer is: 50/50 chances, either I'm gonna blog again whenever I feel like to or gonna sink this beloved blog of mine into the deepest part of your Internet, my Internet & the most cliche thing, my heart. I always wanted to start blogging again since the last time I blogged something (which is like, a year ago) & I do have a lot of things to share. Over a year has passed, so many (I mean, literally SO many) things I have experienced as it's my first year of diploma. I am now in 3rd semester, in diploma of art & design, major in graphic design (can I call it as a major?? or it is only applied in degree I don't even know) but thankfully, I do learned a lot as I am interested in taking graphic designing. & I am hanging on well so far, despite of neglecting (or dramatically speak, 'sacrificing') some of my routine like of course, blogging.
The reasons why I don't blog anymore:
- my cat Tinkerbell scratched my laptop's keypad. Pressing my letter B & D made my fingers do a little work-out session.
- the line at my college sucks.
- presentations, researches (hello, even art students have their own presentation & no it's not about 100% showing off your artwork, this is a serious business)
- more assignments.
- I suck at planning my time.
Enough about that, what makes me wanna blog tonight?
You know me, I blog when I wanna talk about something. & yes, most of my posts are really not that rainbow&sunshine kind of posts.
I'm actually kind of disappointed with myself. I really don't know how to start this & to whom I would share about this because only me, myself, & I can really understand about myself but truth to be told, I don't really understand about myself. I don't understand what kind of person that I want to be when dealing with people, what I want to express, what I want to prioritize.
Yes, priority. That's what I'm worried about.
Straight to the point, I am disappointed on hoping things to be perfect when I prioritize something or someone instead of thinking about myself even more. I don't even want to be hurt or making things worse when I hope like that.
I really can't explain what I'm feeling right now. That what makes me pissed at myself even more.
I am lack of words. My feelings that wanted to be expressed are stuck in the back of my throat, in my veins, in my eyes that are always wanted to burst its tears. No, I don't feel like I am depressed.
"Don't be so melodramatic, Puteri. You have people around you to talk to."
I am so sensitive, so moody, so much expressions letting out in a wrong way, that the people that I love can't even bare. I don't want them to drown themselves with my own unstable feelings because they didn't bring their float before they dive in into my ocean of thoughts that I always overflow, thinking that my thoughts aren't that deep to discover. I overthink too much as I always hope people would understand me as much I tried to understand their's.
I worry too much, as I hope that if I worry more about things that shouldn't be a priority in my life, it would turn out things that I wanted. I worry for the people that I prioritized more than myself, even though they didn't make me as one of their priority.
What makes me sad is that everything I do is wrong. If I didn't show my affection or me caring about something, they would thought that I didn't care anymore. If I show it, it went overboard & they would get tired of listening the same things of what I care about. & I can feel like they are slowly pushing me away. I can feel like I'm losing the one I love, slowly bits by bits of their soul from my life. I know as time comes by, slowly moving forward, things changing.
How to stop caring for the people who didn't show their care more than yourself? How to even stop hoping for them to show affection like you do to them? How to know that they even care about you or they're silently letting things go behind you as you're trying so hard to grip everything in until you sore your hands?
It's not their fault sometimes that they can't bare me. I can't even bare myself sometimes.
(yeap, I am so random yet I can't hold on this feeling anymore.)