Tuesday, May 12, 2015
As you can see nowadays, I blog whenever I feel like expressing about something that is more about my feelings towards my environment or any random thoughts & I would like to apologize for that. Why? Because I went to a trip to my own memory lane on this blog, & usually I update stuffs like how was my day, what have I been doing that time & so on. Since probably people are now lack of visiting blogs & more on reading long captions on Instagram, I'm extremely active there (yeah, everybody are very aware of that) & stop updating here.
But I feel like starting back on writing here, eventhough I know that no one would ever read whatever shit I've been posting.
Okay that is not the point of me posting this actually, but I meant it.
My point of me writing this is because I feel..... lost. I feel like I lost something.
Yes, I have finished school & now deciding about college. Side note: I got UiTM in Melaka, for graphic design. Still deciding to accept it or not, because I'm into graphic designing but it's okay, that's not of anyone's concern for now.
I'm actually didn't know how to start this but do you ever felt like you are sad because of the things that happened to you & you started to overthink until you're scared about the future? Basically, I'm in that phase.
I'm seeing my friends are torn apart but pretending that everything's fine & some of them are trying to pick up the pieces while some of them are already letting things go. I don't know which one is making me sad, the ones who are trying to glue things together or the ones who are already moved on. In my perspective, I honestly felt like letting them go the ones that aren't making me feel like I'm one of their friends that they are afraid of losing. I have tonnes of them.
But I'm afraid of being forgotten by the ones that have on my mind everytime I see them on my Instagram timeline. No one wants to be forgotten anyway.
I've let down my boyfriend a lot of times & honestly I felt like everything's my fault because I'm started to be cold than before, I've changed into someone that act so strong infront of a person because I've been hurt so many times & it's affecting that someone. I hate that feeling, I feel like I deserved to be alone.
For an eighteen year old, I've been through a lot of shit that people wouldn't actually expected me to experience. I wouldn't list them every single thing about that but that made me realize that I'm having a lot of things in mind until I feel sad, mad or frustrated about myself. I tried so hard to make people stay for me but at the same time it's hard to accept the fact that I will lose them one day. I've lost some of them already. My mom told me that she is grateful that I didn't turn into someone who is depressed & very weak. But I can feel that I am someone like that.
People would think "what is Puteri trying to say now?" or "Is she sick or whatever, this ain't a big deal" about this but yeah, basically I am scared. Scared of what life will offer after this. I won't stop praying for my own peace in mind & tell myself that things are gonna be okay. Even if you realize that you're gonna lose your highschool friends, you're aging & getting old & some little things about life that are terrifying, I'm telling myself that things are fine soon.
The world is a very big place but has that tiny 'wheel' that won't leave you alone. I can't run from that. Nobody can.
Stop overthinking, Puteri. Stop. You worried about things too much.
Sincerely by, Puteri Adlin