Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Didn't think straight.

I hung out with my friends on last Sunday for surprising our good friend (it was his birthday) & we decided to spend most of our time wandering around after the lunch surprise. My bestfriend & I decided to visit two of our schoolmates at work. They are working at the cinema in the mall & we had a little chat since we didn't met them since the day we finished SPM.

We asked them about the job & we told them that we were interested on working there since the cinema needed some female workers at the ticket counter. We had a really good conversation eventhough it was ridiculous to some people who didn't understand with what we were laughing really hard about. After a few minutes of laughing & talking, we asked a really serious question about one of them's love life.

I won't tell what is it about since that's not what I'm trying to spill out here.

One of my friend said on behalf of our friend that girls are mostly do things without even think straight.
"Bukan nak kata korang ni macam tu, tapi kebanyakkan perempuan yang aku dengar cerita lah, buat sesuatu tak fikir dulu. Tak fikir panjang dulu, apa yang akan affect diaorang." (pretty much sounds like that)

& that's what I wanted to talk about.

Unfortunately, it is true. Most girls do things stupid without thinking what will affect us.
Unfortunately, I admit it because I'm one of that kind of girls.

After a nasty breakup, I tend to think of things that I could do that obviously can ruin me.

Knowing that I lost someone that I really love, I thought about doing things that could hurt me; just to have that particular someone's attention. Whether he still cares or not.
I tend to not eat for a few days as my appetite were absolutely gone.
I tend to go anywhere alone without telling anybody just to make it more dangerous.

Knowing that the one I loved betrayed me, I started to think of anything to make me forget about him. I would do anything to make me forget about him.
I didn't attempt suicide as I still realize that it could make things more complicated, thinking what will the society think & I didn't want him to know anything that happened to me. But suicides aren't stupid, just to make things clear. Don't tell the ones that attempted suicide it's stupid, just please help them.

But I tried to make myself high just to make myself forget about the fake memories for a while. I desperately asked for things that could 'help' me to my friends that took it, but it turned out really bad & I regretted it.
I tend to sneak out from my house at night just to go for a walk, knowing that anything could happen when wandering around alone. Just to keep him out from my mind.
I tend to make friends with boys who are nothing but jerks, just to feel the freedom & yet, to make me forget about the unwanted things.

But all of that are not going to happen again as I realized that I did all of that without thinking that I was selfish, with my own self. I didn't think what will happen if I continue being like that. I didn't think straight. He was gone, & knowing that it's already breaking me into pieces, I tend to ruin myself into destruction. Bits by bits, tend to break myself even more.

When I realized everything about it after some moments of reflecting, I tend to help myself.
I do things that really made me happy. Sketch things, go out for a skate with my good friend, make new friends, take good pictures. Do everything that really make me happy. Eat everything that I craved for, eat sweet things, & do a workout while hearing my favorite songs. Dance the fuck out of me. Sing on top of my lungs in the shower until the neighbour hears my off-tuned voice. 
Most of all, pray. I prayed the best for myself, family & friends, prayed for forgiveness to Allah all the time. Prayed when I'm happy, when I'm sad. Told Him my problems. Being grateful, doing good to people. Having empathy & not being selfish.
Yeah, I am sad sometimes. Especially before I went to bed. Memories won't go away that easily but hey, talk about it to someone you trust. I even talked about some shit to my cats when I'm sad. Yeap, they listened.

I have my own ways on making myself happy but the most important thing to ponder is about you deciding to move on with your life.
If you decided to not help yourself get up, everything that you'll do is useless. I was in that stage once, & it was horrible until I'm the one reminded myself that it's time to let everything fucking go.
If I didn't let go, I wouldn't be happy. I wouldn't meet someone better now. I would've lost my friends, I would've stop doing things that I love. Because I didn't let myself free from the bad memories. Because I didn't help myself.

To the girls who are in this kind of stage, you wouldn't like it if a guy realizes that you're stupid for not thinking straight before doing anything that's not really your forte, right? So yeah, think about everything before you're doing some really shitty things that could make yourself look bad or make you feel bad after that. I've been through that shit girl & believe me, it ain't pretty.

Think about what is pushing you into the dark, & find really good ways to light it up. Okay?
Hey, if you need help, I can be your shoulders to cry on. Like, literally.

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